#Dave The human

[cuprohastes]

To kill a human

It was Sqrnix eve and the Thotari Assassins had gathered for crottled greebs, and Karaoke.

Though they didn't feel like their usual darkly cheerful selves: They'd made the mistake of accepting a contract on a human.

First Blade muttered, "They're impossible! I poured so much poison into his drink! It should have ripped the water from his cells, and split his tissues!"

Second Blade added despondently, "I tried poison too! Rakandi dust in his food. At first, I thought it had lost it's potency, but then I saw him shaking more onto his meal! It should have burned him form the inside out!"

Third Blade peeled a tentacle from the crottle greebs off her face. "Pfah, you're telling me! After watching you two, I tried a bitter alkaloid from the creature's own home world, boiled into a foul brew - I didn't even try, I just handed the thing the bowl."

Fourth Blade noted, "I'm kind of seeing a theme here. I tried an acidic compound because at that point I'd just made a bet with Garki that the human would just gobble it down."

The other three looked at her.

"What? It's not like you had any luck!"

Meanwhile Dave the Human was writing a review of his stay:

"Locals very friendly. Last night they made me a pitcher of cocktails, brought me a really interesting curry, and then in the morning got me some coffee and aspirin. Four stars. Minus one star because the crottled greebs snuck into my room and ate my bootlaces."

[ithinkdogshouldvote]

Guardian swap au for 4/13 ^ ^

[mrdoctorpuddin]

Is this dirkjake?

[skeletood]

it's just that dude you always do everything with, no biggie

[onlysushicat]

grubkat doodles

[kabutoden]

I have no idea if you've already done it, but I request bug versions of the human shitheads

this is genuinely probably one of my favorite pieces so far. like idk why but i totally prioritized this ask because you called them the human shitheads. thats just so funny to me. these DORKS!!! the SILLIES!! also bc these guys arnt aliens. like the humans are humans they dont gotta be bugs. but fuck i just love anthro bugs!!! so much. like theres no stopping me. Rose is a rosy maple moth, but she wishes she had darker more goth coloration. Worked perfect with her name and associations with seeking light dangerously, too. Jade's a wooly aphid because they're cute and fuzzy, i particularly love their shiny wings and whispy fur. Dave's an assassin bug--but they're also called wheel bugs for the cog-like shell on their back. Super deadly an agile bugs, puts a lot of expectations on him... John might just be my favorite though. With his love of slimer and association with ectoplasm, he's a spitbug!! they're just bright green and silly little guys. perfect!

[thicc-astronaut]

I feel like Crazy Dave would allow Affini to hang out in his Zen Garden but also be completely immune to xenodrugs and biorythms and the doting praise of the Affini (on account of his being craaaazy)

Like he would see these giant plant ladies and go "Plants! Plants are my friends. Hi friends!" and the Affini would go "Why can we not make a pet out of this guy. Why does nothing work on him."

[chessb0r3d]

i cracked the code.

[incorrect-hs-quotes]

Nepeta: :33< christmas is when jesus was born, and eastpurr is when he died. in betw33n is when he did various baby crimes bad enough to warrant catpital punishment at 3 months old. very bad baby

Dave: this post was fact-checked by real Roman patriots: ✔️TRUE

[joaoppereiraus]

G Y A T

Winner of this month's poll on https://www.patreon.com/joaopereiracreations https://subscribestar.adult/joao-pereira-creations

Posted using PostyBirb

[cuprohastes]

OK, New Plan.

Space piracy isn't a thing. It's not economical, practical or something anyone can pursue for any length of time.

Anyway, the ship had been captured by space pirates, and they'd dropped the temperature in the passenger modules down to a few ticks under the freezing point of water: The Atrix passengers were all huddled up, torpid, protecting their little guys, and the Thotari Pirates were planning on pillaging the cargo and personal possessions while things were quiet.

They'd checked the manifest: 12 Atrix passengers, and four crew, also Atrix. Easy pickings.

So it was a little bit of a surprise when they cracked the door to the passenger module and one of the Atrix turned out to be somewhat genetically human.

It was holding a hot beverage in one hand and used the other to grip the first Thotari Contract Pirate around their scrawny neck, dragging them off their feet.

Then it used that individual to beat the others until they snapped their contract markers and sat their asses down.

Everyone knows the Thotari take contracts very seriously. Snapping the marker was as good as surrender: No Thotari with any self respect would work unpaid.

The Pirate Executive Officer, employed for her bulk and experience took personal umbrage regarding this whole mess and thundered onto the ship, with several large sharp weapons, and some very cool looking armour, determined to perpetrate terminal events to the Human's biology.

The Human took one look and threw it's drink in her face. Then gave her a vicious kicking while the bitter alkaloids in the toxic concoction caused the PEO to collapse with uncontrollable spasms.

According to the logs, the Human took time out and poured another cup of coffee, turned the heat up, glared at the rest of the Thotari until they snapped their contract markers rather than deal with any of that and walked onto the Pirate's ship.

At which point they called the Pirate's backer up, and spent a half hour explaining in horrifying detail what they would personally do to that individual, and how much worse it was going to be if they didn't stop this inane crap.

The Thotari picked up their PEO and hooked her up to their ship's medical bay, said 'no hard feelings it's just business' and left.

---

"How was your trip?" asked Dave The Human.

"Pretty quiet," said Phalanges Mitten, AKA Dave. "Glad to be back, though. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to take a decent nap on those haulers - And don't get me started on the Coffee!"

[sweetshades]

Karkat offhandedly asks to try on Dave’s sunglasses and Dave responds by jokingly asking to try on his horns. Karkat interprets this as Dave saying that his sunglasses are part of him. The idea enters into the troll rumour mill and ends up with Kanaya thinking her wife is some kind of amputee since the Lalondes don’t wear any kind of glasses.

[eggzwithfeetz]

Mr. Brubot

[lilpuffyart]

Something something Halmanpoole posting for tonight 👍👍👍 (I have so much art of them but none is finished at all)

[private-c-miller]

I'm not sure if you are who I remember

[neostellarjpg]

i find big buff traditional hollywood celebrity alpha dave in a suit to be handsome like everyone else but i can't help but think of him as this scrawny eccentric socially awkward dude extremely dedicated to nothing except his abstract radical performance art. fans develop images of him but there's nothing of himself he deliberately puts out into the world besides his projects. no real friends, no lovers. fronts and fake personas galore. isn't trying to waste his time and emotion on people he'll lose anyway. that kinda thing